The doctors at the hospital have told us that an autopsy was mandatory. Had they thought that there was foul play? How could they think such a thing, I love my son. I will gladly take his place, so that he goes on to have a long long life. I just didn't understand, it was all just too much to take in, at one moment in life. My baby boy would get a virtual autopsy, the next morning.
My parents were asking the doctor questions. There were many questions and answers flying around me. Not many of which I remember today. Although, one question in particular that I still remember, clear as day. "What do you think was the cause of death?" I look up at the doctor, still in this chair in the middle of the room. The very same place, I watched the doctors trying to save my son. It was another one of those moments, there were just so many of them on that day. A moment that seemed as if someone was holding the remote to life and decided to press pause, afraid to hear the answer.
Our eyes were locked, and she finally said with a hurt look in her eyes. "We think it was accidental suffocation." No one said anything after the answer reluctantly came slowly from her mouth. Heads in the room seemed to drop to look at the tile floor. I was searching her eyes, I somehow knew this answer but why must she have to say it out loud. My mind was going a hundred miles an hour in todays slow lane of life. Asking questions to myself.
Why didn't I bottle feed? I just had to insist on breast feeding because I couldn't breastfeed with my first son. Maybe that was a sign, that I shouldn't ever do it. Why did I fall asleep? Why didn't I wake up Daddy to help me? What was the last thing I said to my son? Did he suffer? These are still question I hear myself reciting today. We went back to my parents house after crying over my son, laying so peacefully in front of us. It was an empty, numb, indescribable feeling the whole drive.
We were an hour and a half away from home, but with all of our friends and family. My oldest son was on his way to me. I needed him there, his father understood me ending their weekend early. We just weren't sure how to explain where his beloved little brother was. We weren't even sure if he would understand, after all he was only 4.
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